Wednesday, January 04, 2012
Life as it is.
Life as it speaks.
People are all about dress to impress.
This does not only apply to fashion.
Dressing up your character or personality
just to get people to like you or adore you.
One thing most people don't realise is that
people with intellect, can differentiate real and fake.
You can fool us but we ain't fools.
We can just be as fake as you
you won't know it coz you're just too focus on yourself.
Question here is,
Who do you want to impress?
Why?
The main thing is,
Impress yourself with your own capabilities
Challenge yourself.
All those insecurities, turn it around
Attack it in a positive attitude.
At the end of the day, you are living for yourself
Satisfaction, it's like pee-ing in your pants.
People can share your happiness but only you, will feel the warmth.
Be yourself.
If you don't fit in, stand out.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Year End
I've never argued with a friend
Never, the way I argued with my boyfriend.
So where does my boyfriend stand?
Tell me why I bothered?
Tell me why do I care?
Sighs...
After all we've been through.
Are you willing to give it all up?
Give it up for something pointless?
It really saddens me. =-(
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Emotions.
Emotions.
Sometimes tears don't mean sadness.
It don't mean weakness.
Seldom people thought it could be
beyond what one might feel.
Not necessarily grief.
Nor is it pain.
An expression of an unexpressed emotion.
Built up anger for instance.
Or it could be an emotion within emotions.
When you feel what is real
and questioning if real is just what you feel.
When you're numb and feel nothing at all
while at the back of your mind, you feel it all.
Like a massive blown-up balloon that's gonna explode.
Emotions.
Chemicals produced from your brain
sending signals to your nerves.
Hence, that's what you feel.
When you're happy,
it is said that you have produced enough dopamine.
Emotions.
Right here, right now
conflicting hormones.
When the mind and what is felt don't sync.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Dedicated to you
I'm truly happy and contented with life.
I've never been more certain
and I know I've got it all.
All that I need.
Through thick and thin,
even in hard times, we find good ones.
Devotion, an undying love
I love that about us.
We talk about everything
Never afraid to say what we feel.
Address problems, break all barriers
together, we stand strong.
Against all odds, you and I
Just us two.
Friday, December 02, 2011
Depth of my mizer
Miserable at home.
I'd do anything
To fill my time
To escape.
My mind is made up.
I know what I want
Towards a better future, I'll pursue.
When home don't feel like home anymore.
The only home I could recognize is when I'm with you.
& it saddens me that I'm hating
denying all that I had.
Clearly, I'm on my own.
Only living on a free shelter
No idea why I'm taking refuge here it seems.
2011 is coming to an end.
Welcoming 2012 with eagerness
where school will start and focus will be on studies.
16 months and 2014 will be the year to enter a stable life.
That's when I'll live my life.
That's when I'll choose to move out.
I know I can survive on my own.
Watch me now coz I'm doing it.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Will you stay with me?
It's coming to the 2nd week that I've not been well. It's clear to me that my mom don't give a damn. She expects me to eat what she cooked but I can't eat anything spicy anymore. I told her so many times of how sensitive my stomach is.
My youngest brother, on the other hand, is too much. I don't know what he did to my itunes that I can't sync anything to my Iphone. The basics seemed fine.
My theory:
Iphone to Itunes = normal.
Itunes to Iphone = Error ????!!!!!!
Oh and he ate my Chips Ahoy! The only thing I was depending on to survive. The only thing that I could eat which didn't hurt my stomach other than Nestum and Oatmeal drink. I made it clear to him two days ago that it's mine. Don't eat it. It was untouched yesterday. I only ate about 4 pieces. A few hours ago, half of the box were gone! It's really pointless complaining to my mom. Worse, it's pointless confronting that idiot brother of mine. He literally ignored me! And he called me crazy!
He ate my food and called me crazy?! I don't mind sharing if I don't have to depend on it. Right now, I have nothing to eat and I'm really really hungry. I'm growing weak each day. Right now, I'm holding on to my life. I'm fighting to survive. I'm stopping my system from shutting down. My body wants to shut down and at any time of the day I could go unconscious. I'm really afraid to sleep.
I'm just afraid if I go to an unconscious state, I won't be able to revive...
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
All the other boys are postmix lemonade
Life is tough.
I learned life the hard way.
Before I met you Fadli, life lives me.
Then, you taught me how to live it.
I found myself, the hidden me.
No longer afraid to speak my mind.
Everyone has their own opinion.
Have always been a listener, observing.
You bring the best out of my everything.
Thank you love.
Almost killed
Terrible and messy night.Woken up by pain an hour after I fell asleep.
All I could do was scream and shout in pain to give a signal to my sister to call my parents for help. She didn't acknowledge it initially. Eventually she did but I was already lying on my vomit. I didn't see that coming at all. The pain was beyond excruciating. My stomach hurt like I was stabbed to death. I felt like I was going to die. Breathless and bedridden, constantly gasping for air.
Dad came to my aid and my sister helped the whole night. I was too weak to even move. They cleaned me up, turned me to supine position. Dad massaged my stomach, guiding me through to fight the pain. Made my sister hear the sound that was coming from my stomach. It was madness.
All I wanted to do was go to the toilet to wash my hair and my mouth. Dad carried me to the computer chair. Before he could push me to the toilet, not even a minute, I almost collapsed, gasping for air, groaning. As soon as my sister changed me into a dry t-shirt, my body collapsed to the floor, lifeless. With lips ajar, my gut gave a push and vomit gushed out. And there again, I was lying on a pool of vomit. It was a miracle that my mind didn't shut down while my body was gone. That's how strong I am mentally. I will never let my brain shut down.
I regained all the energy I have left, telling my brain to send signal to the rest of my body to get up. With the help of my dad as a support, I managed to reach the toilet to wash all that were dirty.
Dad made me, in Malay/Islamic term, air penawar. In english, it's something like holy water but not exactly. That put me to rest but it wasn't the end. I was still having discomfort in my stomach. Again, I forced myself to get up to clear whatever else that's traveled down to my rectum. Indigestion.
A peaceful night I had afterwards. My sister really came through in times when I needed help. I'm thankful for both my dad and sister to clean up the mess I made, sticking by my side. I don't know what could have happened to me if she wasn't home. I would have been alone in the room and experiencing worse. The last thing I want is to be admitted to the hospital in an unconscious state.
And when I woke up, I was sad and disappointed that my mom didn't show any concern. I know my sister was constantly eyeing on me before she left the room. Even when I dragged myself to shower, my mom didn't say a single thing. I was hoping she'd cook porridge because I've not been eating well for the past one week. I couldn't eat well. To no avail.
Finished up the cleaning that they started which tires me even more. All the bending and stretching. At least now my room doesn't smell of vomit anymore. Thing is, I'm already in a state that I'm not well but I always tell myself that I'm strong and I can go on. Knowing my body well, I had to eat something light at least. There's nothing for me to consume and the only thing I could find was oatmeal drink. Then I saw the expiry date of the condensed milk. Told my mom it's expired but she insist that it's not a big deal. April 2011 for goodness sake. I don't want to risk my health. I'm recovering now. From there, I'm just disappointed at my mom. She knows I have a highly sensitive stomach and yet she acted that way. Don't that just show she don't care? I know she's given up on me. I'm too much of a burden to her. She don't need to say that she care because her actions show how less she cares.
Right now, I just can't eat anything. The soup that I made, I can't even finish it. My stomach just can't take anything except hot plain water and hot tea. This just sucks. So in February, my next check-up, if my stomach condition gets worse or even my anaemia got affected, I'm not to be blamed. I'm taking care of myself, noting every expiry date and doing my best to feed myself with food that are fresh. If I gotta be warded, I'd say yes. I won't stop myself anymore because it's for my own good. If being sick at home is a burden then I might as well be taken care of by the professionals. I know the inflammation on my stomach walls has gotten worse.
My mom kept telling me that she's not bias. Well, need I say more?
Her ego for her pride is too high.
If I tell her off, she'll say I'm rude.
I don't want to go through what I had to experience last night.
NEVER EVER.
